Dating Coach Matthew Hussey Shares His Insights Into the Dating World

In this YouTube video on Chris Williamson’s Modern Wisdom podcast, dating coach Matthew Hussey shares his insights into the dating world, highlighting the importance of vulnerability in relationships, the impact of social media on unrealistic expectations and entitlement, and the need to prioritize emotional intimacy and communication over superficial markers of success or attractiveness when looking for a long-lasting partner.

Hussey also emphasizes that chemistry should not be overrated as a predictive indicator of relationship success, and that people should focus on what they can control in their dating habits rather than complain about outside factors. He encourages people to redefine their priorities in a partner and make counter-cultural compromises to find happiness.

In addition, Matthew Hussey provides insights on how people can lower their standards in dating by not being clear about their goals. Hussey advises men to be decisive in their relationships, and suggests non-traditional first date settings to lower the stakes.

He also emphasizes the importance of showcasing one’s personality in dating profiles and avoiding negative experiences.

The coach discusses the growing trend of women choosing not to have children and the danger of telling women what choices they should make. He also talks about maintaining attraction and desire in a long-term relationship, the importance of staying grateful, and avoiding external metrics of success.

Finally, he shares his experience of feeling disconnected and prioritizing external factors before introspection. He also shares his personal experience with depression and anxiety and how he learned to modulate his emotional relationship with problems in life, emphasizing the importance of changing the story we tell ourselves about the things that happen to us.

Hussey also provides advice for people struggling with anxiety in early dating, suggesting they settle in and breathe differently..

00:00:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey discusses the idea of vulnerability in relationships, stating that a person who wants a real relationship but cannot handle a partner’s vulnerability may not be mature enough to understand men. He also addresses the biggest changes he’s seen in what women want during his 15 years of experience, including a concern about finding someone who is at the same level economically or socially, and the challenge for successful women to be attracted to men who are not in their same socio-economic sphere. Finally, he explains that people may sometimes narrowly define what they see as powerful or attractive, but freedom to choose a partner is the ultimate goal of achieving success or wealth.

00:05:00

In this section, the speaker discusses the changes in dating since he began his career 15 years ago, including the rise of dating apps and societal acceptance of online dating. He also notes the way in which social media has changed the way people present themselves, with a globalization of looks leading to a homogenization of appearance. This can create feelings of insecurity and contribute to unrealistic standards in relationships. The speaker compares this to the way social media can create unrealistic expectations of travel destinations by presenting an idealized version of reality.

00:10:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey discusses the potential impact of social media on people’s expectations in relationships, suggesting that the constant exposure to what seems like perfect and luxurious lives on platforms like Instagram can create an unrealistic sense of entitlement and an expectation for an equally luxurious relationship. He also points out that men, in particular, may misunderstand what women want because they’re chasing after flashier, more superficial gimmicks that may not translate into a fulfilling relationship or bring real happiness. Hussey also shares his personal experience of vulnerability backfiring on him in a relationship and how he learned the wrong lesson from it.

00:15:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey discusses the balance of vulnerability and confidence in men. He believes that vulnerability, as a form of openness, is attractive to the right person when it comes to sharing struggles and battles. However, he warns against crossing the line into neediness and dumping your problems on someone else, which he believes is unattractive. Taking ownership of your struggles and actively working on them is an incredibly powerful thing to do in any relationship, as it shows responsibility. While some women may perceive vulnerability as a sign of weakness, there is a yearning for men to talk more and be more open. Hussey acknowledges that there will be people who will not accept your vulnerability and will judge you, but it is essential to be true to yourself and keep searching for the right match.

00:20:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey discusses the importance of finding a partner who can accept your vulnerabilities, past mistakes, and emotions. He explains that while some men may appear to be “bulletproof” and unemotional, there are plenty of men who are more emotional and vulnerable – it’s all about finding the right match for you. Hussey advises against investing in someone based solely on markers of “eligibility,” such as success or attractiveness, as these traits don’t necessarily equate to a strong, lasting relationship. Instead, he encourages people to prioritize emotional intimacy, communication, and vulnerability when looking for a partner.

00:25:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey emphasizes that while chemistry may be necessary and important for sexual and physical attraction to someone, it should not be overrated as a predictive indicator of the success of a long-term romantic relationship. Hussey notes that chemistry does not necessarily mean aligned intentions or investment, and that people often mistake attention for intention. He adds that the most common complaint he hears from women in his coaching sessions is that men are indecisive and do not commit. On the other hand, Hussey suggests that men often worry about not being found attractive or being seen as creepy or predatory, especially in the online dating world.

00:30:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey talks about the importance of choosing the right partner and chasing the right things in a relationship. He highlights the issue of entitlement among men and the hypocrisy among both men and women when it comes to their dating preferences. Hussey encourages people to redefine what they consider as important in a partner and to make counter-cultural compromises in order to live a happier life, rather than just seeking cultural norms of success.

00:35:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey shares that while it’s understandable to be curious and fascinated about things happening at a macro-level, complaining about the things outside of our control should not become an excuse. Hussey advises individuals to focus on what they can control, particularly in their dating life. Instead of being concerned about the number of men or women who are intimidated by them, people should analyze their dating habits and reflect on how they come across on a date. Being genuinely interested in the person opposite them and conveying gratitude towards them by the end of the meeting can work wonders in someone’s favor. Regardless of how the world is faring, it’s essential to learn how to be proactive in the dating world.

00:40:00

In this section, Matthew Hussey talks about how having a strong presence and putting in a small amount of effort can help people stand out in the dating market, where the bar is currently set very low due to challenges and turbulence. He suggests using concerns about the dating market as a litmus test for personal behavior and recommends that people stress test any ideas they learn from the internet with their personal experiences. He also touches on the importance of having a clear outcome in mind when it comes to dating.

00:45:00

In this section, Matthew Hussey emphasizes that finding someone who thinks you’re awesome is more important than how many people find you attractive. He talks about how your focus on the shallowness of women looking for certain attributes in a partner can dictate your entire life, making you resentful and bitter. Hussey believes that attracting people with the values that match yours and embodying those values will make meeting the right person easier. He encourages people to be a paradigm shifter, one who makes people change their mind on what really matters.

00:50:00

In this section, the speaker talks about the importance of valuing oneself beyond physical attractiveness and superficial qualities. He explains that true worth lies in internal qualities and that genuine connections take time to develop. The speaker also discusses his experience of letting go of his insecurities and realizing that his worth is not tied to his ability to be the life of the party. Additionally, the video shares new data about the percentages of young men and women who haven’t had sex in the past year. The host suggests that generalized risk aversion disorder may be a factor in people’s reluctance to engage in social situations, due to the convenience and accessibility of modern technology.

00:55:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey discussed the possible reasons why women are becoming more hesitant to engage in the dating market. He mentioned the decrease in social skills due to social media and the delicate dance of flirting, which requires a lot of skill to do. However, he attributed the increased pathogen aversion to women’s decreased disgust threshold, which makes them more worried about being intimate with a guy. Additionally, he wonders if women are becoming more selective about their partners, focusing on their North Star or goals, and turning down relationships that won’t lead to their desired future.

01:00:00

In this section, Matthew Hussey speaks about how people often lower their standards in dating which results in relationships that do not align with their goals. He discusses how online dating has affected the dating scene and how women form a skewed perception of men due to the presence of many men who use dating apps just for hookups. Hussey also suggests that guys who want to be effective in dating and convince a girl that they are in it for the right reasons should showcase decisiveness when it comes to relationship progression.

01:05:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey shares his advice on how to suggest meeting up with someone for a first date, including his preference for non-traditional first date settings such as a walk or sitting at the bar of a restaurant. He also suggests lowering the stakes by suggesting a short date, such as grabbing a coffee or juice. When it comes to online dating profiles, Hussey suggests using the “show don’t tell” approach and using the space to actually showcase your personality and values rather than listing generic characteristics.

01:10:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey talks about the messages people convey in their dating profiles. He discusses how some people include negative experiences they’ve had in the past, like casual hookups, which gives off a frustrated and negative vibe. It’s better to let the positive aspects of your personality and intentions come out naturally through conversation instead of trying to communicate everything upfront. Hussey also shares some examples of how women have tried to communicate that they are single mothers, with some being more successful than others. Lastly, he briefly touches on the trend of women choosing not to have kids.

01:15:00

In this section, the dating coach acknowledges that while women may still face pressure to have kids, it is to a far lesser extent than before and the number of people who never want kids or feel that it is not their path must have risen. However, a significant chunk of women who make it to adulthood end up being childless, with eight out of ten women who break through the fertility window and don’t have kids not having intended to be childless. The coach stresses the importance of timing and how delaying having kids can sometimes lead to grieving, especially if someone hasn’t met the right person yet or has gone through many relationships that don’t pan out. The coach also expresses concern at the current trend of demonizing motherhood, saying that to see choosing to be a mother as settling or choosing to be second-class is not good.

01:20:00

In this section, the speaker discusses the growing trend of women choosing not to have children and the potential consequences for women who may later regret this decision. He acknowledges that while the decision to have children is completely up to the individual, it is also important to recognize the societal pressure against delaying childbirth. He highlights the danger in telling women that they should not have children and reinforces the importance of women having financial independence. He also draws parallels between the pressure men feel to sleep around and the pressure women feel to delay childbirth. Ultimately, he encourages individuals to make choices that will bring them real happiness, rather than just following what society dictates.

01:25:00

In this section, Matthew Hussey, a dating coach, talks about the importance of figuring out what one wants in life before getting into a relationship. Hussey stresses that it is critical to get in touch with oneself and determine what kind of life one wants before making a decision to enter a relationship. He highlights that this lesson applies to men and women alike, and it is necessary to quiet the noise and reflect on what is essential without fearing losing time.

01:30:00

In this section, Matthew Hussey discusses how perceived challenge and connection affect our value and attraction towards someone. He explains that having standards around one’s value is crucial, as bleeding out for someone exclusively without an equal exchange of value can lower our value in their eyes. Hussey also delves into the challenge of maintaining desire and connection in a long-term relationship, citing the importance of creating space between two people. He emphasizes that maintaining attraction and desire is nuanced and cannot be achieved through simple tricks or sex positions. It’s essential to remind oneself of the joys of being in a relationship and avoiding the expectation that everything must stay the same to keep the attraction.

01:35:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey discusses the danger of optimizing too much in a relationship and losing sight of the value that the relationship brings. He emphasizes the importance of staying grateful and connecting to the simplicity of life to avoid getting caught up in external metrics of success. Hussey also touches on his decision to focus on trauma in his work, not because it is trendy, but because he believes it is important to help people in their mental health.

01:40:00

In this section, the speaker discusses the negative impact of his anxiety and stress on himself and his loved ones. He explains how living in cities like LA or Austin can amplify the comparison game and external pressure to be successful. However, he notes that he has learned from his past failures, such as when he worked on a TV show that got canceled after three episodes, and acknowledges that failure was a blessing in disguise. He also expressed gratitude for his experience on a reality TV show, which gained him followers but didn’t lead to success. He recognizes that if he had gained success through reality TV, he would have been pigeonholed and expected to replicate the formula.

01:45:00

In this section, Matthew Hussey advises against seeking instant gratification and the desire to be plucked out of a lottery and magically gifted status. He mentions how reality shows often create a prefabricated ‘shape’ that one is squeezed into, making it difficult not to follow similar patterns taught through life experience. Hussey believes finding something one loves and can do for a long time without thinking much of the spikes is a great secret to playing the long game. He cites the example of Mr Morrow, who started filming his experience at the Disney parks and built a career on it, as someone who figured something out they really loved and can do it for a living, without always craving more.

01:50:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey opens up about feeling disconnected and unhappy in his 20s, despite having achieved success in his career and being able to care for the people he loved. He admits that he had avoided introspection and therapy, thinking that it was something other people needed. However, he realized that there was always another level to explore and address, and he now applauds great therapists for the work they do in helping people become more self-aware. It took a significant amount of pain for him to finally address his disconnect, but he encourages others to seek introspection and therapy before they reach that point.

01:55:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey shares how he used to prioritize external factors such as optimization instead of going inward. He admits that he hadn’t seen any immediate return in doing inward work and only began to understand its importance after experiencing chronic physical pain and realizing something wasn’t right. The pain forced him to slow down and prioritize his well-being, which was more important than anything else.

02:00:00

In this section, the speaker shares his personal experience with depression and anxiety. He reveals that he always had anxiety, but depression was something he experienced intensely and seriously. The realization that no one was coming to help him, not even his family, was terrifying. He tried everything, but nothing seemed to work. It took him years to work on his own peace, and he gradually found a new level of peace in his life. He struggled with physical pain, which had a real physiological component, but his emotional relationship with it made it much worse.

02:05:00

In this section, Matthew Hussey shares how he learned to modulate his emotional relationship with problems in life, and how teaching this idea to others brings him joy. He highlights the importance of changing the story we tell ourselves about the things that happen to us and the power of having a different mindset. Hussey also emphasizes the idea that everything changes, including our relationship with problems, and that we never really know how things will play out. By understanding this, we can learn to “strap in” and move forward, knowing that everything has the potential to change.

02:10:00

In this section, dating coach Matthew Hussey suggests settling in and breathing differently when faced with anxiety in early dating, using the metaphor of a one-hour roll instead of a three-minute roll. He also shares his three platforms for dating advice: his YouTube channel, Instagram, and Facebook for free content, Your Dating Solution for personalized advice for women, and his upcoming virtual retreat for men and women to transform their entire psychology and get the most out of their lives.